To the silent Red

    언제나처럼 북적거리는 아침의 지하철을 탔다. 7호선을 타고 가다가 이수역에서 내려, 4호선을 갈아타기 위해 환승로를 지나갔다. 앞에 뒷모습이 참 예쁜 여자가 있다. 몸매도 아주 균형 잡혔고, 긴 생머리가 매력적이다. 미니스커트가 늘씬한 다리를 돋보이게 한다. 얼굴은 보지 못했다. 감정의 본질에 대해서 생각하며 그녀를 따라간다. 어차피 지나가야할 길이기에 예쁜 여자를 보며 따라간다면 기분이 좋을 것 같았다.

    그녀는 시각적 자극을 통해 나에게 인지적 정보를 주었다. 난 그것을 평가하며, 반응하였다. 반응은 행동적이었고, 느낌이었다. 행동이 먼저였는지, 느낌이 먼저였는지는 확인할 길이 없다. 아마 James의 말대로라면, 난 그녀를 보고 행동함으로써 '호기심'과 '성적 매력'이라는 감정을 느꼈을 것이다. 그리고 Cannon-Bard이론에 따라 이들은 모두 독립적으로, 하지만 동시에 일어났을 것이다.

    아침 운동을 하고 왔음에도 불구하고, 그 상황에서 난 부교감신경계가 교감신경계를 압도하고 있었던 것 같다. 운동이 끝난 후 뜨거운 물에 몸의 긴장을 풀었고, 지하철에서 한동안 가만히 책을 읽고 있었기 때문에, 새벽같이 활성화되었던 교감신경계는 그 순간 힘을 잃고, 성적 흥분을 향상시켰다. 그리고 그녀는 나를 자극했고, 나의 몸은 반응했으며, 나의 정서는 변했다.

    환승로를 걸어가며 나의 정서를 측정해본다. 정서에 대해 책을 몇장 읽었더니 '자기보고'를 하는 습관이 생겼다. 7점 척도를 통해 나의 불안감, 기대감, 호기심 등을 측정해 본다. 불안감은 4, 기대감과 호기심은 7이다. 뒷모습이 예쁜 여자를 보며 기대감과 호기심이 높은 것은 당연한 것이며, 불안감은 실망을 안겨주었던 수많은 과거의 경험에서 도출된 것이다. 하지만 그 불안감은 '혹시나'하는 마음이었을 뿐, 지배적인 것은 기대감과 호기심이었다. fMRI를 활용하여 뇌를 측정할 수 없는 순간이다. 가격이 비싸고, 실 상황에서 활용이 불가능하다는 그 단점이 아쉽다. 나의 정서를 측정할 수 있는 휴대용 fMRI를 가지고 있다면 보다 정확하게 나의 뇌를 스캔할 수 있을 것이다. 스스로의 역할에 최선을 다하고 있는 편도핵을 관찰해 볼 수 있을 것이다.

    내가 나의 얼굴을 관찰할 수 없는 만큼 지나가는 사람들의 관찰해 본다. 한국 사람들은 길을 걸어갈 때 매우 무표정한 얼굴로 다닌다고 하지만, 그들의 얼굴 속에는 분명 다양한 감정이 담겨있었다. 상황적 맥락에 비추어볼 때 이들의 표정들은 그들의 감정을 그대로 드러내는 것임에 분명하다. 과학적이진 않지만, 즉흥적 관찰로 그 표정들이 의미하는 바를 알아볼 수 있다. 피식 웃으며 과거를 회상하는 듯한 사람도 있고, 책이나 PMP속의 내용이 재미있는지 웃으며 걸어가는 사람들도 있다. 전화를 받으며 화를 내기도 하고, 까르르 웃기도 한다. 그들은 인지를 통해 평가하고, 행동하며 느끼고 있었다.

    그들의 표현은 물론 가족에 따라 혹은 자신이 속한 집단의 문화에 따라 차이가 있을 수 있겠지만, 대부분의 사람들과 나는 좀 더 거대한 동일 공동체 속에 속해있으므로, 어느 정도 공감할 수 있는 기준이 있을 것이라 가정한다. 그리고 그 가정에 따라 그들의 표정들을 보며 그들의 감정을 분류해 본다. 물론 상황 자체의 제한점을 통해 찾아 볼 수 없는 감정도 많이 있다. 특히, 혐오나 공포의 감정은 확인이 안된다. 하지만, 너무나 자연스럽게 사람들과의 접촉을 통해 느껴지는 것은, 정말 행복이나 놀람 슬픔, 그리고 분노는 너무나 기본이 되는 감정이 아닌가 생각하게 한다. 이러한 생각에 도달할 즈음 "개인의 지엽적인 경험을 통해 이론을 도출해 낼 수 없지 않은가?"하는 생각이 차례로 나타난다. 다윈도 그러한 지엽성을 극복하기 위해, 사진기술도 발달하지 않은 그 시대에 얼마나 큰 노력을 했던가? 내가 본 것은 단지 나만의 작은 경험일 뿐이다.

    4호선을 타는 승강장으로 뒷모습이 예쁜 여자를 좇아가던 나는 수많은 생각을 하며, 호기심과 성적 흥분이라고 하는 감정을 잃어버렸다. 감정 자체의 속성상 시간이 지나면 무뎌지듯이 그것은 자연스러운 것이었다. 그리고 승강장에 도착한 그 순간, 그 추동 자체도 상실 되었다. 그녀의 앞모습은 조금 전 내가 지녔던 약간의 불안감을 현실화시켰고, 그녀의 동선과 나의 동선의 분리를 강요했다. 그리고 그 순간 나는 "내가 지금 느끼는 감정은 기본 느낌일까, 아니면 여러 요소들의 혼합일까?"를 고민하며 새로운 동선을 확보해 나갔다. 여기에 하나의 요소를 추가하고 촉매를 통해 활성화시킨다면, '행복'으로 화학 반응할 것이다. 마치 H2O처럼…….

 

    Some people said, "If you want to see Japan's present day, you have to go near  Tokyo where Japan's capital is. But if you want to see Japan's past, you have to go to near Kyoto where Japan's capital was." It was sure that lead me to Kyoto to find Japan's past. Because I'm a man who finds the past, although I could go to the Tokyo(it was just 8, 9 hours from our quarters), I didn't want to go there.

    I traveled 7 nights and 8 days with one of my friends. At first 3 of us planned the trip. Because 2 of us insisted the Japan's past travel package, the other guy who wanted to see the Japan's present day gave up the trip. So only two of us went to the Osaka, where Japan's first port city was, by way of cruise. Because it took 18 hours one-way, we stayed on the ship for 3 days. So, in fact, the travel of Japan was just 5 nights and 6 days. From January 29th to February 5th, our traveling schedule was as follows:

    In this travel, I have to thank two people(Jeon han-seong who is one of the my best friends who traveled together and Yamamoto Akina who helped us stay and move in Japan) The trip costed only 550,000?. For a trip to Japan, normally it's impossible to do it that way. But these days, I'm full-out libertine, so it's impossible to pay more.

    "I'll loan 10,000￥ to you. Just pay back 100,000 won, slowly and slowly."

    Jeon's care gave me the chance of this great experience. But, if you thought more deeply, you would find that it's also impossible to travel Japan that long a time by using that much money. It was possible because of Akina's care. She invited us to her home in Siga-ken during the travel. And she fed us breakfast every day for a week and became our tour guide. Jeon's care and her kindness, that is, gave me the chance to experience this. Like my mother always said, "for man, network works great power."

    If I said my conclusion first, I'd say "this trip was really really great!". I have traveled two times to a foreign country. The first trip was to China, and the second was this trip. The Chinese trip was not bad, but because this trip was backpack unlike forward, it made a bigger impression. That I had a lot of thinking time made the trip meaningful. In turn, the thinking helped me experience various senses.

 

    There was a great and respected professor who had introduced "Narrative" to the Korea and studied it during a long time. One day, the professor tried to read the Immanuel Kant's texts, the German philosopher. Like any other person(who wanted to read Kant's texts), he started with "The critic of pure reason". At first, he read the "Preface", and read the second volume's preface. Nothing was special or new. But because it was just a preface, he never worried.

    Then he started reading the text's first chapter. When he read the first page, he couldn't comprehend it very well, so he read it again. But he still couldn't comprehend it. He made ceaseless efforts to beat the Kant. But failed again, over and over he did it again. Eventually he threw it out and shouted,

    "How crazy the dog bark. He is a crazy mad man like a horny dog!

    These days I'm reading that Kant's texts as the professor did. And I'm making an effort before giving up. After many failings, I could understand the professor. It was not that easy to comprehend. It was very hard. I have read the Kant's "The critic of pure reason" during a month. Accordingly it frustrated me during that month. The problem is not just that. I just read a small part of the fist chapter in the book, and that really demotivated me to study. So these days, I'm just writing and reading melodies. I couldn't concentrate on any other books.

    The content what I have read is just about the space and the time, which is the first part of the book. In his theory, The space and the time are a united existence. So it is impossible that 2 divided spaces or times exist. First, the space in the world is just part of a big space. Therefore, the biggest space is the world, and a lot of rooms are just part of the world. Second, the time is almost the same with space. The time, that is, can't be divided correctly and one time's text is just part of one big context. Lastly, they are both an unlimited existence.

    When I was child, I heard a story about the black night. I can't remember where it comes from, but I can remember the contents of the subject. In that story, the black night proved to exist to the end of the universe. It's because the light has one characteristic that goes strait and unlimited, if there are no obstacles. So if there isn't a limit, the sky should be white during the night time like the noon. 

    As Kant said "space has no limit, and all spaces belong to a big space.", and the story said "there is a limit in the universe.", there should be other space beyond the universe's end. I assumed that there was a kingdom of heaven. Beyond the cosmos, there shall be an unlimited happy world of the father.

    The Kant's made me frustrated to study; and the frustration made me think about the existence of God. Like any other scholars, I just thought about anything by enjoying my reasonal ability. And like any other day, I'm fine with that. Even if Kant made me frustrated because I couldn't think freely, I'm happy about that.

   There was one old shabby village. There was a small intersection of three streets. And there was one old man who sold the carp waffles. He was the great owner of that small covered carriage and the respected father of a dwarf. He worked hard during all day from sun rise to sunset. When I first saw the wagon, that was opened naturally. And there was one dwarf who was his son. Because the seller was very old, his son was also a little old, but he spoke like a child as his small body looked like a child.

    The old boy  : Papa, aren't you cold? Today is very cold.
                        (by using child's voice tone)
    The old Papa : No, I'm not cold. Don't worry. I'm close to this
                         brazier all the day. So, I've no matter.

    They looked so happy. The very old man shall raise the little old boy. Though they lived hard, they looked very happy. So I helped them by buying their products sometimes. Sure, it was very cheap, just a buck for 6.

    One day, another wagon came to the place across the street. And on their cover, there was a big announcement. (I saw it one morning before they opened)

    The carp waffle : 6 for a buck
    The chinese stuffed pancake : 2 for a buck

    When I saw the words first, I felt negatively. It had appeared as if the new wagon wanted to start a war with the old carp waffle seller, after making preparations with the new strategy(the same cost and one more manu). So I was sure that the owner looked like a fox. And I worried it would destroy the old man and dwarf's happiness

    After that day, I couldn't see the new covered carriage's owner during some of the day. It's because of my time schedule. I went to my work place early in the morning, and came back late at night. So, I only saw the diligent old man every night, not the new one. And that made me hate the new one more.

    It was One Saturday afternoon. I was taking a walk with my dog. Then, I passed by the intersection of three streets. I could see the owners of the new wagon. Yes, they were 'owners', not just 'owner'. At the moment, I felt sorry about what I thought before. There are three women. I seemed their group composed of a grandmother, a mother, and a little girl. They all looked purely. Maybe because they were women, they couldn't work until late night. Feeling sadness, I shouted in my mind.

     'What made these weak women come out and sell their waffles?'

    After some day, the new's announcement changed from '6' to '5 for a buck' for the carp waffles. And the pure and attractive mother changed more charmingly by being heavily powdered. She smiled more and more. Maybe they chose the coexistence with the olds by themselves. So they sold their product more expensively, but with beauty and short service time. So they could coexist without beating each other. These days, I buy the carp waffles many times. It's for me and for them, not just the old's but even the new's.

    The boy felt something strange. At the moment, the ground suddenly sank under his feet. There was somebody, the devil? Maybe it was the devil, maybe……. In fact, the boy couldn't remember exactly. Just that imagery said 'he was the devil'. Anyway the devil went into the core of the earth, and the boy tried to prevent him from contacting the core. But the devil went into the core closely, more and more. It made the boy scared. So the boy tried stopping him again, but he failed. Then the devil went into the core and touched it. At the moment, that boy awoke.

    The boy dreamed this dream during 7 years, from 7 to 14 years old. Of course, he doesn't dream it these days, but he can't forget it. He doesn't know what the reason is, but he'd like to know. Eventually, the boy went to the Mr. Freud's house. Mr. Freud was one of the wisest men in his village. Especially, he knew much about the nature of man's mind. He had written many books about the human mind. So everybody revered him.

      The boy    : Sir. I'd like you to interpret my repeated
                       and unforgotten dream.
      Mr. Freud  : Boy, remember that a dream is reflection of 
                       unconsciousness, which is called the 'Id'.
                       And the libido also constructed your Id.
      The boy    : How could I know how my id was made?
      Mr. Freud  : Don't worry, my little friend. I'll help you. Don't worry.
                       You'll know about the object of the reflection,
                       the nightmare.

    After smiling, Mr. Freud lead the boy to the soft and fluffy couch, and made him lie down, and cracking his fingers, he said tiny, shortly and fully,

      Mr. Freud : Red sun!

    At the moment, the boy went under hypnosis. Under hypnosis, the boy was on one Greek Man's hand. Raising the boy, the Greek laughed aloud. The boy was the man's son. He looked happy, and a lot of people around him looked happy too. But there was one old woman who didn't look happy, the seer. After a while the old woman shouted to the Greek.

 The Seer : The little prince will kill you later, king.
                 Then, he'll marry his mother who is your wife!

    Her words created a commotion in the hall. The king's face was thrown to shadow. After some day, the king ordered the killing of his son to one shepherd. But the shepherd couldn't kill the little weak baby. Eventually, the baby was just thrown away. Then another shepherd found the baby. Then the boy awoke.

   Going out Mr. Freud's house, the boy could understand the old dream he had dreamed during the 7 years, comparing with the story under hypnosis. The former makes one point and the later makes another point. Therefore, using two points, he could make one strait context. The boy smiled expressively. Because the dream was just a child's dream that made the father the devil and the mother the core. Maybe the infant boy was aspiring to beat the father to monopolize the mother. Then Maybe the boy lost, so he felt frustrated like any other male child. That is, it was the frustration that made his unconsciousness.