To the silent Red

 

    Some people said, "If you want to see Japan's present day, you have to go near  Tokyo where Japan's capital is. But if you want to see Japan's past, you have to go to near Kyoto where Japan's capital was." It was sure that lead me to Kyoto to find Japan's past. Because I'm a man who finds the past, although I could go to the Tokyo(it was just 8, 9 hours from our quarters), I didn't want to go there.

    I traveled 7 nights and 8 days with one of my friends. At first 3 of us planned the trip. Because 2 of us insisted the Japan's past travel package, the other guy who wanted to see the Japan's present day gave up the trip. So only two of us went to the Osaka, where Japan's first port city was, by way of cruise. Because it took 18 hours one-way, we stayed on the ship for 3 days. So, in fact, the travel of Japan was just 5 nights and 6 days. From January 29th to February 5th, our traveling schedule was as follows:

    In this travel, I have to thank two people(Jeon han-seong who is one of the my best friends who traveled together and Yamamoto Akina who helped us stay and move in Japan) The trip costed only 550,000?. For a trip to Japan, normally it's impossible to do it that way. But these days, I'm full-out libertine, so it's impossible to pay more.

    "I'll loan 10,000￥ to you. Just pay back 100,000 won, slowly and slowly."

    Jeon's care gave me the chance of this great experience. But, if you thought more deeply, you would find that it's also impossible to travel Japan that long a time by using that much money. It was possible because of Akina's care. She invited us to her home in Siga-ken during the travel. And she fed us breakfast every day for a week and became our tour guide. Jeon's care and her kindness, that is, gave me the chance to experience this. Like my mother always said, "for man, network works great power."

    If I said my conclusion first, I'd say "this trip was really really great!". I have traveled two times to a foreign country. The first trip was to China, and the second was this trip. The Chinese trip was not bad, but because this trip was backpack unlike forward, it made a bigger impression. That I had a lot of thinking time made the trip meaningful. In turn, the thinking helped me experience various senses.

 

    There was a great and respected professor who had introduced "Narrative" to the Korea and studied it during a long time. One day, the professor tried to read the Immanuel Kant's texts, the German philosopher. Like any other person(who wanted to read Kant's texts), he started with "The critic of pure reason". At first, he read the "Preface", and read the second volume's preface. Nothing was special or new. But because it was just a preface, he never worried.

    Then he started reading the text's first chapter. When he read the first page, he couldn't comprehend it very well, so he read it again. But he still couldn't comprehend it. He made ceaseless efforts to beat the Kant. But failed again, over and over he did it again. Eventually he threw it out and shouted,

    "How crazy the dog bark. He is a crazy mad man like a horny dog!

    These days I'm reading that Kant's texts as the professor did. And I'm making an effort before giving up. After many failings, I could understand the professor. It was not that easy to comprehend. It was very hard. I have read the Kant's "The critic of pure reason" during a month. Accordingly it frustrated me during that month. The problem is not just that. I just read a small part of the fist chapter in the book, and that really demotivated me to study. So these days, I'm just writing and reading melodies. I couldn't concentrate on any other books.

    The content what I have read is just about the space and the time, which is the first part of the book. In his theory, The space and the time are a united existence. So it is impossible that 2 divided spaces or times exist. First, the space in the world is just part of a big space. Therefore, the biggest space is the world, and a lot of rooms are just part of the world. Second, the time is almost the same with space. The time, that is, can't be divided correctly and one time's text is just part of one big context. Lastly, they are both an unlimited existence.

    When I was child, I heard a story about the black night. I can't remember where it comes from, but I can remember the contents of the subject. In that story, the black night proved to exist to the end of the universe. It's because the light has one characteristic that goes strait and unlimited, if there are no obstacles. So if there isn't a limit, the sky should be white during the night time like the noon. 

    As Kant said "space has no limit, and all spaces belong to a big space.", and the story said "there is a limit in the universe.", there should be other space beyond the universe's end. I assumed that there was a kingdom of heaven. Beyond the cosmos, there shall be an unlimited happy world of the father.

    The Kant's made me frustrated to study; and the frustration made me think about the existence of God. Like any other scholars, I just thought about anything by enjoying my reasonal ability. And like any other day, I'm fine with that. Even if Kant made me frustrated because I couldn't think freely, I'm happy about that.

   There was one old shabby village. There was a small intersection of three streets. And there was one old man who sold the carp waffles. He was the great owner of that small covered carriage and the respected father of a dwarf. He worked hard during all day from sun rise to sunset. When I first saw the wagon, that was opened naturally. And there was one dwarf who was his son. Because the seller was very old, his son was also a little old, but he spoke like a child as his small body looked like a child.

    The old boy  : Papa, aren't you cold? Today is very cold.
                        (by using child's voice tone)
    The old Papa : No, I'm not cold. Don't worry. I'm close to this
                         brazier all the day. So, I've no matter.

    They looked so happy. The very old man shall raise the little old boy. Though they lived hard, they looked very happy. So I helped them by buying their products sometimes. Sure, it was very cheap, just a buck for 6.

    One day, another wagon came to the place across the street. And on their cover, there was a big announcement. (I saw it one morning before they opened)

    The carp waffle : 6 for a buck
    The chinese stuffed pancake : 2 for a buck

    When I saw the words first, I felt negatively. It had appeared as if the new wagon wanted to start a war with the old carp waffle seller, after making preparations with the new strategy(the same cost and one more manu). So I was sure that the owner looked like a fox. And I worried it would destroy the old man and dwarf's happiness

    After that day, I couldn't see the new covered carriage's owner during some of the day. It's because of my time schedule. I went to my work place early in the morning, and came back late at night. So, I only saw the diligent old man every night, not the new one. And that made me hate the new one more.

    It was One Saturday afternoon. I was taking a walk with my dog. Then, I passed by the intersection of three streets. I could see the owners of the new wagon. Yes, they were 'owners', not just 'owner'. At the moment, I felt sorry about what I thought before. There are three women. I seemed their group composed of a grandmother, a mother, and a little girl. They all looked purely. Maybe because they were women, they couldn't work until late night. Feeling sadness, I shouted in my mind.

     'What made these weak women come out and sell their waffles?'

    After some day, the new's announcement changed from '6' to '5 for a buck' for the carp waffles. And the pure and attractive mother changed more charmingly by being heavily powdered. She smiled more and more. Maybe they chose the coexistence with the olds by themselves. So they sold their product more expensively, but with beauty and short service time. So they could coexist without beating each other. These days, I buy the carp waffles many times. It's for me and for them, not just the old's but even the new's.

    The boy felt something strange. At the moment, the ground suddenly sank under his feet. There was somebody, the devil? Maybe it was the devil, maybe……. In fact, the boy couldn't remember exactly. Just that imagery said 'he was the devil'. Anyway the devil went into the core of the earth, and the boy tried to prevent him from contacting the core. But the devil went into the core closely, more and more. It made the boy scared. So the boy tried stopping him again, but he failed. Then the devil went into the core and touched it. At the moment, that boy awoke.

    The boy dreamed this dream during 7 years, from 7 to 14 years old. Of course, he doesn't dream it these days, but he can't forget it. He doesn't know what the reason is, but he'd like to know. Eventually, the boy went to the Mr. Freud's house. Mr. Freud was one of the wisest men in his village. Especially, he knew much about the nature of man's mind. He had written many books about the human mind. So everybody revered him.

      The boy    : Sir. I'd like you to interpret my repeated
                       and unforgotten dream.
      Mr. Freud  : Boy, remember that a dream is reflection of 
                       unconsciousness, which is called the 'Id'.
                       And the libido also constructed your Id.
      The boy    : How could I know how my id was made?
      Mr. Freud  : Don't worry, my little friend. I'll help you. Don't worry.
                       You'll know about the object of the reflection,
                       the nightmare.

    After smiling, Mr. Freud lead the boy to the soft and fluffy couch, and made him lie down, and cracking his fingers, he said tiny, shortly and fully,

      Mr. Freud : Red sun!

    At the moment, the boy went under hypnosis. Under hypnosis, the boy was on one Greek Man's hand. Raising the boy, the Greek laughed aloud. The boy was the man's son. He looked happy, and a lot of people around him looked happy too. But there was one old woman who didn't look happy, the seer. After a while the old woman shouted to the Greek.

 The Seer : The little prince will kill you later, king.
                 Then, he'll marry his mother who is your wife!

    Her words created a commotion in the hall. The king's face was thrown to shadow. After some day, the king ordered the killing of his son to one shepherd. But the shepherd couldn't kill the little weak baby. Eventually, the baby was just thrown away. Then another shepherd found the baby. Then the boy awoke.

   Going out Mr. Freud's house, the boy could understand the old dream he had dreamed during the 7 years, comparing with the story under hypnosis. The former makes one point and the later makes another point. Therefore, using two points, he could make one strait context. The boy smiled expressively. Because the dream was just a child's dream that made the father the devil and the mother the core. Maybe the infant boy was aspiring to beat the father to monopolize the mother. Then Maybe the boy lost, so he felt frustrated like any other male child. That is, it was the frustration that made his unconsciousness.

       효진이

효지이, 할매 어딨노?
병원에......

다섯살박이 효진이는
언제나처럼
개살맞게 눈웃음을 지어 보인다

효지이, 오빠 안아주라
민우 안아줄끼다

간난쟁이 민우는 숙모가 바빠
이모할매 작은 등에 업히어 있다
숙모는 잠을 못자 눈이 뻘겋다

효지이, 엄마가 좋나 아빠가 좋나?
아빠 엄마 ...... 할무니

당신께서 병원에 계실 때에도
우리네 할매라며 고사리 같이
당신의 아픈 손을 꼬옥 잡았단다

효지이

효진이는 왜 이리 손이 많은지
모두가 구슬프게 울고 있는지
오늘도 개살맞게 웃음 짖는다



지난 2003년이었던가
외할머니께서 돌아가셨을 때, 슬픔속에서 너무나 이쁘던 효진이를 보고
나만의 감상에 젖어 시를 썼다
효진이, 지난 11월, 그렇게 5년만에 그것도 5년을 꽉 채우고 6년 째가 되어서야
효진이를 다시 보게 되었다.

이젠 너무 커버려서, 효진이는 나를 보고는 부끄러움에 도망을 갔다
여전이 이쁘기만 한 요조숙녀이다
이쁘고, 이쁘다.

아직 얼마 먹지 않은 나이이지만,
이렇게 어린 사촌 동생들이, 나중에 커버린다면
나를 보며 웃어줄까
특히나 사춘기라는 시기가 닥쳐오면
나를 보며 웃어줄까
자신의 자아가 한창이나 강할텐데, 그때는 자신만의 시간을 갖고 싶어
항상 함께하는 부모님 조차도 거부하고 싶을 나이가 올텐데
나를 보며 웃어줄까
하는 걱정들이 스며든다.

'사촌'이라는 이름으로, 이렇게 커버린 나를 오빠라고 부르는,
내 친구의 조카보다도 작은 효진이를 보면서,
그리고 효진이의 여전히도 개살맞은 웃음을 보면서
조용히 커피를 마시고, 음악을 듣는다.

웃어 줄거야... 개살맞게ㅋ-